where's Mary Poppins when you need her?

I need a fairy godmother, a genie in a bottle or Mary Poppins and her magic umbrella. Essentially I need an escape from the reality that is kicking my ass right now. Let me riddle it out for you: I have graduated college yet I have no job. I have acquired a large sum of debt but I have no money. I have an apartment that I have to move out of in 3 months and no place to move to. I am really good at being in love but I haven't been on a date in 2.3 years. I am slightly lonely but I dislike people most of the time. I fancy the idea of losing some weight but I also fancy Whirled Peace Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. To put it plainly, my life is a fucking paradox. That used to be funny because it was like I was eccentric and mysterious, but now I'm just broke and confused.

Here is where I get lost: I worked hard in college. I was the girl that held leadership positions and I made the good grades. I was focused and had ambition. I was responsible and conscious of the decisions I made. I put forth effort so that the payout would be good. And now, after all of this I am in a rut that I can't get out of. The most ironic part is that I don't want the life I thought I wanted. At least not right now. I used to dream about the big advertising job in San Francisco or New York; the business clothes and the 5 o'clock subways. The leather briefcases that get lost among the plethora of other leather briefcases. The fast lane to the fancy life. The ritz and glam. The high end shopping and the attractive people. The creative managers and the copywriters going for a social hour after the campaign launch. The success. I could taste it like the chocolate peace signs in my Ben & Jerry's. And now the only thing I can taste is that sting in my throat from feeling trapped. That claustrophobia inching into my lungs and making my air taste stale. I crave freedom now. I don't want the business life yet. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that to be my only option.

I want a backpack and a passport.
I want enough money to buy a plane ticket and enough courage to board the plane.
I want a glass of wine in Paris and a breath of air in Capri.
I want a lot of things. Just not the things I thought I wanted.

So, thus my conundrum continues. My mind and my heart want to flee. But the loans and the bills and the "no money to pay these things off let alone money to run off around the world" just isn't there. So what do I do? Work for a few years? And then go? But doesn't that kinda take the sweetness out of the whole thing? If I do it when I'm supposed to? I guess that is my point. I have done everything the way I was supposed to my entire life. I got good grades and I finished college. I didn't get married young and I don't have any children. I was good to my mom and I love my grandma. I did my fair share of partying in college but I was a good kid. I think that is what I want. I want to do something that doesn't make sense for my life. Like run off to Europe with no money and only a few changes of clothes. I just want an experience different from what seems "right".

So thus, I have an interview with Edelweiss Lodge & Resort in Germany on Monday and I hope with every piece of my heart (even the broken ones) that I get the job. I know the U.S. is a wonderful place to be but I just need out. I crave it like the wilting moonflowers crave that first Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. That first drink of escape... it quite possibly could save my life.

I want to go farther than Vegas but this song helps set my dreams on wings! Have a listen.