flattery is great medicine

Yeah, so I have this friend who has this son. The son is 17 years old and has a bit of a crush on me. Actually the phrase "a bit" might be an understatement. Anywhoo, he's a cutie and his mom and I are good friends and she asked me for a favor and I obliged. She requested that I sign a picture of myself for her son. HA. So yes, she printed off a picture of me and I signed it (in red sharpie...real celebrity like) and she framed it.

As silly and creepy as this all might sound, it actually was good for my emotional state. Flattery, it is great medicine. Everyone should have an underaged boy who wants signed pictures of them framed in his room... it does wonders for the self-esteem!

Here's the proof.

where's Mary Poppins when you need her?

I need a fairy godmother, a genie in a bottle or Mary Poppins and her magic umbrella. Essentially I need an escape from the reality that is kicking my ass right now. Let me riddle it out for you: I have graduated college yet I have no job. I have acquired a large sum of debt but I have no money. I have an apartment that I have to move out of in 3 months and no place to move to. I am really good at being in love but I haven't been on a date in 2.3 years. I am slightly lonely but I dislike people most of the time. I fancy the idea of losing some weight but I also fancy Whirled Peace Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. To put it plainly, my life is a fucking paradox. That used to be funny because it was like I was eccentric and mysterious, but now I'm just broke and confused.

Here is where I get lost: I worked hard in college. I was the girl that held leadership positions and I made the good grades. I was focused and had ambition. I was responsible and conscious of the decisions I made. I put forth effort so that the payout would be good. And now, after all of this I am in a rut that I can't get out of. The most ironic part is that I don't want the life I thought I wanted. At least not right now. I used to dream about the big advertising job in San Francisco or New York; the business clothes and the 5 o'clock subways. The leather briefcases that get lost among the plethora of other leather briefcases. The fast lane to the fancy life. The ritz and glam. The high end shopping and the attractive people. The creative managers and the copywriters going for a social hour after the campaign launch. The success. I could taste it like the chocolate peace signs in my Ben & Jerry's. And now the only thing I can taste is that sting in my throat from feeling trapped. That claustrophobia inching into my lungs and making my air taste stale. I crave freedom now. I don't want the business life yet. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that to be my only option.

I want a backpack and a passport.
I want enough money to buy a plane ticket and enough courage to board the plane.
I want a glass of wine in Paris and a breath of air in Capri.
I want a lot of things. Just not the things I thought I wanted.

So, thus my conundrum continues. My mind and my heart want to flee. But the loans and the bills and the "no money to pay these things off let alone money to run off around the world" just isn't there. So what do I do? Work for a few years? And then go? But doesn't that kinda take the sweetness out of the whole thing? If I do it when I'm supposed to? I guess that is my point. I have done everything the way I was supposed to my entire life. I got good grades and I finished college. I didn't get married young and I don't have any children. I was good to my mom and I love my grandma. I did my fair share of partying in college but I was a good kid. I think that is what I want. I want to do something that doesn't make sense for my life. Like run off to Europe with no money and only a few changes of clothes. I just want an experience different from what seems "right".

So thus, I have an interview with Edelweiss Lodge & Resort in Germany on Monday and I hope with every piece of my heart (even the broken ones) that I get the job. I know the U.S. is a wonderful place to be but I just need out. I crave it like the wilting moonflowers crave that first Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. That first drink of escape... it quite possibly could save my life.

I want to go farther than Vegas but this song helps set my dreams on wings! Have a listen.

my letter to Dear John

Dear John,

You are the saddest movie I have ever seen. You made me cry and you made me want to be in love. Both of those things make me miserable.
Here's the deal, I have been in love and it was great. Until it was bad. And then it was the most intense pain of my entire life. Letting go of love changed me. Losing that feeling tore something out of me. I think my love took with it a lot of my hope. That is a sad realization for me to accept. But I suppose it explains why I am mad at you for making me want to be in love again. I don't ever want to lose hope again. And I don't want to lose love again. I guess when you work that equation out it sounds like I am afraid of love huh?
Yeah, I think I always was, and then it was validated that love can kill parts of you. Love took my breath, it made me beg for air and then when I finally was able to breathe again...it was different. The air didn't taste so sweet ya know? Like pepper had replaced the flowers and the wind was its friend. I felt a burn in my throat for so long after love that I finally got used to it. Maybe that's where I am at now. I have embraced the burn. That constant itch that reminds me tears are on the closest horizon...and somehow that feels home to me. And then I am hit with the one fact that I have been avoiding for so long, that even with all of this acceptance and this redoing of my life, I still want to be in love. Not the same love I had of course, but a different love. I want to purge the pepper from my air and I want to clear my throat and not lose the fighting battle with my tears. I want that.
My dear John...you made me want to do it all again. Even with the understanding that sometimes it ends worse than it was before you started. Love breaks down every wall and fortress you have, it bridges the moats and it unhinges the locks, all with the possibility of destroying the castle instead. And yet, here I am... putting my hope back on love and hoping not to lose it again.

With hope, heart and tears,
Cass

the night and I? yeah, we're friends.

Here's to the night.

I suck the color out of life and there you are.
Waiting, lingering on the edge of sanity,
just to take my thoughts.

My thoughts? Yes, you take them.
And flatten them and then you breathe them out.
You breathe them out as stars.

Then the stars are mine. All of them mine.
See, that is why I like you so well, you give me light.
Ironic that my only light is from the dark.

That's how I like it though.
The light is too easy.
The dark takes me. And makes me.

Then I find love.
My thoughts, your breath, our souls.
Together.

So that's our story. You and I.
I'm happy to romance my way into the stars.
I'm yours for the taking.

sanity is overrated

Really there's only one thing I want to do with my little nonsensical life right now and that is travel. Away. Far. Far. Away from here. Last night I was informed (by someone very ignorant) that that mindset makes me a "fake" person. The rational behind that analysis was that by not embracing my past and the tiny town I am from, I have begun to lead a fake life. By not wanting to settle down and stay in the same town for the rest of my life I am not being true to who I really am. Hmm?

My response to this load of crap was, "Well, as much as I appreciate your analysis I'm going to prove you wrong very quickly. I'm going to do this by telling you a few things. 1- I couldn't possibly be fake b/c if I was then I wouldn't tell you that I think you are a fucking moron. 2- You just validated why I must leave this place right now. Because ignorant comments like the one you just made make me want to stab you; however, I would be upset if I did because I don't like knives and If I stabbed you then I would probably kill you and then there would be a huge likelihood that I would go to prison. And then I wouldn't ever get to travel. That would make me very unhappy. And 3- If I am going to be considered fake for wanting to travel and see then world then I embrace that title with open arms and an understanding that I am just more interesting than you. I also would beg the point that when it comes to common sense you probably have about as much as an annoying little gnat. But again, Thank you for your input on the matter."

You go ahead and judge me while I continue to live my life and then I will meet you in Hell.

goodbye candlelight and quills.

I am addicted to the old-fashioned way of purging my emotions: pen and paper (specifically a fine point sharpie and thick papyrus). However, that traditional approach hinders the ability of others to enjoy my obscenities, criticisms and eccentric views about the way life should be lived. So thus, I have finally thrown myself into the blogging world. Thank me now or thank me later, it matters not!

current status: not being an adult

current desire: be able to do a one handed cartwheel like when I was 10

current love: chocolate ice cream with sliced bananas

current wish: for it to be summer in Oklahoma. I want a warm night, a thunder storm and a lightning bug lullaby.

This song fits my mood. Enjoy.