my letter to Dear John

Dear John,

You are the saddest movie I have ever seen. You made me cry and you made me want to be in love. Both of those things make me miserable.
Here's the deal, I have been in love and it was great. Until it was bad. And then it was the most intense pain of my entire life. Letting go of love changed me. Losing that feeling tore something out of me. I think my love took with it a lot of my hope. That is a sad realization for me to accept. But I suppose it explains why I am mad at you for making me want to be in love again. I don't ever want to lose hope again. And I don't want to lose love again. I guess when you work that equation out it sounds like I am afraid of love huh?
Yeah, I think I always was, and then it was validated that love can kill parts of you. Love took my breath, it made me beg for air and then when I finally was able to breathe again...it was different. The air didn't taste so sweet ya know? Like pepper had replaced the flowers and the wind was its friend. I felt a burn in my throat for so long after love that I finally got used to it. Maybe that's where I am at now. I have embraced the burn. That constant itch that reminds me tears are on the closest horizon...and somehow that feels home to me. And then I am hit with the one fact that I have been avoiding for so long, that even with all of this acceptance and this redoing of my life, I still want to be in love. Not the same love I had of course, but a different love. I want to purge the pepper from my air and I want to clear my throat and not lose the fighting battle with my tears. I want that.
My dear John...you made me want to do it all again. Even with the understanding that sometimes it ends worse than it was before you started. Love breaks down every wall and fortress you have, it bridges the moats and it unhinges the locks, all with the possibility of destroying the castle instead. And yet, here I am... putting my hope back on love and hoping not to lose it again.

With hope, heart and tears,
Cass