I HAVE MOVED.

If you are a regular reader and you checking in right now then you should be informed that I HAVE MOVED MY BLOG! I switched to Wordpress and my new website is right here! Go have a looksie! See ya 'round the corner!

changing my strategy.

Alrighty, I gotta make some changes.

I found out yesterday that I did not get a job that I really wanted. I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I really want. This could be due to the fact that the economy is shot to shit at the current moment. Or it could be because I am, in fact, not as talented as I once thought I was. That is a tough cookie to swallow, but it is potentially true. So this is where I am at: I have two choices. I can 1) sulk about the sorry state of affairs that my life has become over the last couple of years. I could cry about a lot of things. I could choose to not do anything about it and I could continue to not get anywhere or 2) I can get over it. I have the option to change the course of my life and that, my friends, is a thrilling thought. Yes, scary as hell...but thrilling nonetheless. Now, I realize that I have laid out my two options but the kicker is that I haven't chosen my path yet. HA! Kidding. I have chosen. And I choose number 1. Yep, I'm gonna slack it. I think slackers really are the new CEOs ya know? I mean, we get shit done too...

...kidding. I am gonna pick door number 2. You know that old saying, something about two roads diverged or something or other? I think it ended with something like choosing a particular road and that... making all the difference. Yeah, I want that. So thus I begin.

Here's the thing. I am going to have to be patient and I am finally realizing that. I have lofty dreams and sky high aspirations about what I want out of my life. I'm not saying I WANT huge things but rather, I want to DO big things. Either way, I have to pace myself and choose the right paths for right now... and then later I will be able to make my own path if I so choose. So I assume by this point you might be wondering what it is that I'm gonna do exactly. Well...I'm gonna do the thing that I said I would never do. Not in a million years. I am gonna move home... to my mother's house. Yep. I am going to get on my feet. I'm going to use my degree and I'm going to hang tight for a few years. As much as I do not want to do this and as much as I would rather chase the clouds, I'm going to channel the responsible part of my mentality and do something rational... for now. Fear not though, the rational part of me can't stay in control long. In the blink of an eye I will be off to new and, albeit more exciting things!

This particular moment? I am going to sell some of my cherished things (such as movies and books) for a bit of extra cash. I'm going to apply for jobs in Oklahoma (gag me). I'm going to find the right path for right now (kind of like the Mr. Right Now kinda thing ya know..?). Anywhoo wish me luck on my newest attempt at being an adult.

Disclaimer: If I am in fact lucky enough to get the job in Germany then all of this is null and void and I would be off to Deutschland in a heartbeat! And yes, I accept the fact that I am erratic. ;-) Cheerio!

poetry & aeroplanes

I live and breathe for those moments when words are either spoken or sung that make me know someone else out there in the world has felt what I am feeling. There's something undeniably comforting to know that all these emotions which consume me and the midnight musings about life are on someone else's mind too. It makes me feel a connection to other life, other souls, other confused minds. I like the thought of that.

This realization hit me earlier today while I was listening to music. A song that I love and listen to often all the sudden sunk in. This song is exactly what I am feeling lately and I hadn't ever realized it before. I mean, I liked the lyrics and I understood what they were saying, but today they captured me ya know? So here they are.

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long

There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead

But I was just thinking, merely thinking

I've got loads of pictures

I've got the one of you in that dancing dress

But man I feel silly in that dim light

Just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights

I am sinking, merely sinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe

I'm a singer without a song

If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I,

I was just thinking, merely thinking

This boat is sinking

I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids

I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you

Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you

Inside this weary head I just want us to love instead

But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe

And time is running me still

If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger

I was just thinking - I was just thinking

That I'm tired of calling you once a week

And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you

Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking

Have a listen

flattery is great medicine

Yeah, so I have this friend who has this son. The son is 17 years old and has a bit of a crush on me. Actually the phrase "a bit" might be an understatement. Anywhoo, he's a cutie and his mom and I are good friends and she asked me for a favor and I obliged. She requested that I sign a picture of myself for her son. HA. So yes, she printed off a picture of me and I signed it (in red sharpie...real celebrity like) and she framed it.

As silly and creepy as this all might sound, it actually was good for my emotional state. Flattery, it is great medicine. Everyone should have an underaged boy who wants signed pictures of them framed in his room... it does wonders for the self-esteem!

Here's the proof.

where's Mary Poppins when you need her?

I need a fairy godmother, a genie in a bottle or Mary Poppins and her magic umbrella. Essentially I need an escape from the reality that is kicking my ass right now. Let me riddle it out for you: I have graduated college yet I have no job. I have acquired a large sum of debt but I have no money. I have an apartment that I have to move out of in 3 months and no place to move to. I am really good at being in love but I haven't been on a date in 2.3 years. I am slightly lonely but I dislike people most of the time. I fancy the idea of losing some weight but I also fancy Whirled Peace Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. To put it plainly, my life is a fucking paradox. That used to be funny because it was like I was eccentric and mysterious, but now I'm just broke and confused.

Here is where I get lost: I worked hard in college. I was the girl that held leadership positions and I made the good grades. I was focused and had ambition. I was responsible and conscious of the decisions I made. I put forth effort so that the payout would be good. And now, after all of this I am in a rut that I can't get out of. The most ironic part is that I don't want the life I thought I wanted. At least not right now. I used to dream about the big advertising job in San Francisco or New York; the business clothes and the 5 o'clock subways. The leather briefcases that get lost among the plethora of other leather briefcases. The fast lane to the fancy life. The ritz and glam. The high end shopping and the attractive people. The creative managers and the copywriters going for a social hour after the campaign launch. The success. I could taste it like the chocolate peace signs in my Ben & Jerry's. And now the only thing I can taste is that sting in my throat from feeling trapped. That claustrophobia inching into my lungs and making my air taste stale. I crave freedom now. I don't want the business life yet. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that to be my only option.

I want a backpack and a passport.
I want enough money to buy a plane ticket and enough courage to board the plane.
I want a glass of wine in Paris and a breath of air in Capri.
I want a lot of things. Just not the things I thought I wanted.

So, thus my conundrum continues. My mind and my heart want to flee. But the loans and the bills and the "no money to pay these things off let alone money to run off around the world" just isn't there. So what do I do? Work for a few years? And then go? But doesn't that kinda take the sweetness out of the whole thing? If I do it when I'm supposed to? I guess that is my point. I have done everything the way I was supposed to my entire life. I got good grades and I finished college. I didn't get married young and I don't have any children. I was good to my mom and I love my grandma. I did my fair share of partying in college but I was a good kid. I think that is what I want. I want to do something that doesn't make sense for my life. Like run off to Europe with no money and only a few changes of clothes. I just want an experience different from what seems "right".

So thus, I have an interview with Edelweiss Lodge & Resort in Germany on Monday and I hope with every piece of my heart (even the broken ones) that I get the job. I know the U.S. is a wonderful place to be but I just need out. I crave it like the wilting moonflowers crave that first Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. That first drink of escape... it quite possibly could save my life.

I want to go farther than Vegas but this song helps set my dreams on wings! Have a listen.

my letter to Dear John

Dear John,

You are the saddest movie I have ever seen. You made me cry and you made me want to be in love. Both of those things make me miserable.
Here's the deal, I have been in love and it was great. Until it was bad. And then it was the most intense pain of my entire life. Letting go of love changed me. Losing that feeling tore something out of me. I think my love took with it a lot of my hope. That is a sad realization for me to accept. But I suppose it explains why I am mad at you for making me want to be in love again. I don't ever want to lose hope again. And I don't want to lose love again. I guess when you work that equation out it sounds like I am afraid of love huh?
Yeah, I think I always was, and then it was validated that love can kill parts of you. Love took my breath, it made me beg for air and then when I finally was able to breathe again...it was different. The air didn't taste so sweet ya know? Like pepper had replaced the flowers and the wind was its friend. I felt a burn in my throat for so long after love that I finally got used to it. Maybe that's where I am at now. I have embraced the burn. That constant itch that reminds me tears are on the closest horizon...and somehow that feels home to me. And then I am hit with the one fact that I have been avoiding for so long, that even with all of this acceptance and this redoing of my life, I still want to be in love. Not the same love I had of course, but a different love. I want to purge the pepper from my air and I want to clear my throat and not lose the fighting battle with my tears. I want that.
My dear John...you made me want to do it all again. Even with the understanding that sometimes it ends worse than it was before you started. Love breaks down every wall and fortress you have, it bridges the moats and it unhinges the locks, all with the possibility of destroying the castle instead. And yet, here I am... putting my hope back on love and hoping not to lose it again.

With hope, heart and tears,
Cass

the night and I? yeah, we're friends.

Here's to the night.

I suck the color out of life and there you are.
Waiting, lingering on the edge of sanity,
just to take my thoughts.

My thoughts? Yes, you take them.
And flatten them and then you breathe them out.
You breathe them out as stars.

Then the stars are mine. All of them mine.
See, that is why I like you so well, you give me light.
Ironic that my only light is from the dark.

That's how I like it though.
The light is too easy.
The dark takes me. And makes me.

Then I find love.
My thoughts, your breath, our souls.
Together.

So that's our story. You and I.
I'm happy to romance my way into the stars.
I'm yours for the taking.